What do your Boundaries look like?
Boundaries!
That ambiguous word that gets randomly thrown around in moments of frustration, but which many of us are left baffled by and wondering what does it actually mean? For me, boundaries are a self protection; they go hand in hand. If you’re taking care of your boundaries, you’re taking care of yourself.
What are Boundaries?
In order to enforce our boundaries, we first need to know what they are. I describe Boundaries as a framework for authentic living. They protect your inner peace, needs and values, and are unique to you. They are not one size fits all. My boundaries will not be the same as yours, just like your boundaries will be different from those around you. We form our boundaries through lived experience, drawing on knowledge from our thoughts, feelings and emotional state in past situations. What was our physiological response to that situation? How did we feel? What emotions came up for us? What were our thoughts saying? How did that situation serve me? What needs to happen next time for my needs to be met? Our boundaries are also correlated with our values, but more on that later.
When we think of Boundaries, what we are really saying is:
“I matter. My needs are equally important to whatever is on the other side and I am protecting my wellbeing by ensuring my needs are not overlooked or disregarded. I am taking care of me.”
Think back to a time when you had re-arranged your day because of someone else’s actions, or for something that didn’t involve you. Or when you reluctantly said “yes” to someone who asked you for a favour even though it was going to impact you in some way. Or even that time when you offered to help out without being asked. What were the consequences of your actions on your own emotional wellbeing?
On occasions it might have been a positive experience and you came away feeling good, having both benefitted from the experience. Other times you may have been left feeling resentful, frustrated, stressed, taken advantage of or even angry. The chances are in these situations you either did not have boundaries in place or consciously or sub-consciously moved your boundaries to accommodate the situation or others involved, despite this not serving your own needs. Regardless of the reason, the outcome was the same … your boundaries were broken and it caused you suffering.
* This is not to say that boundaries are set in stone. They can move and will likely change over time in alignment with your life. *
Hard and Soft Boundaries
For me, boundaries fall into two categories; hard and soft. Hard boundaries are high value and fundamental to your emotional wellbeing, the ones you won’t compromise on no matter what the consequence. Soft boundaries are equally valuable, but can be considered more flexible. These might be the ones you are willing to move / sacrifice in considered situations. However there is one fundamental rule to soft boundaries … the decision to shift them, must come from a place of conscious awareness. In other words, taking a moment to consider your options and making the conscious decision that you are okay with the compromise, and on shifting / sacrificing that boundary for the sake of the situation. By making this decision from a place of awareness, you remain in control of your boundaries and protect your emotional wellbeing.
Why are Boundaries important?
I consider boundaries as a form of self care. Yes, those two little words which so many of us neglect time and time again, but which lie at the foundations of our emotional wellbeing. When we form and hold boundaries we are protecting our own needs, and by doing so we are showing ourselves care and consideration. This is self care.
Let’s just consider this for a moment, because frankly the vast majority of us don’t give ourselves enough time to sit and listen to what is actually going on for us inside. If we take a quiet moment to step back and tap into how we are feeling, what our thoughts are saying and drawing awareness to how our bodies are reacting, we can learn some important lessons in setting boundaries.
Being consciously aware of our lived experience and the subsequent act of reflection is what we call metacognition. Put simply, this involves reflecting back on our conscious experiences and reassessing our thoughts and behaviours we had at the time, to evaluate how they may have contributed to our experience. So for example when we are considering our boundaries, we might think back to a time when our boundaries were broken and ask ourselves:
What role did I play?
How did my actions, behaviour, choices serve me?
What were my reasons for saying “yes”, or making that choice?
Was authenticity leading the way or was I “people pleasing” and neglecting my own needs?
By making that choice what did I sacrifice and was I okay with that?
What was my body telling me?
What could I do differently next time to ensure a more favourable outcome?
Boundaries are like silent markers which guide our behaviour and ensure we are taking care of ourselves in a way which is key to our emotional wellbeing. If we want to live our lives in a way that serves us and feels true to who we are, then using the process of metacognition to help us learn and set helpful boundaries is key. For us to become aware of our boundaries, we must first consider what is fundamentally important to us … our values!
How do our "values" relate to healthy Boundaries?
Values play a fundamental role in our boundaries. If we know what our values are, it makes setting boundaries that much easier. We each have our own set of core values that are authentic to us. These are the inner rules if you like, that you live by. They influence our behaviours and govern how we show up in the world, acting as our inner compass to navigate how we live our lives day to day. These values are most powerful when they are intrinsic, meaning they come from within us and are true to who we really are. Intrinsic values can motivate us to act and strive towards behaviours that are in line with our values.
When we know how we want to show up in the world and what matters to us, we are better able to form our boundaries. For example, if authenticity is a core value, then being able to say “no” to something or someone when it doesn’t serve our needs is fundamental to living in line with that value, because it is our truth. Consider what your values are. Do they align with your boundaries? If not, how can you shape your boundaries to be more in line with your values?
If you want some guidance on exploring your core values then click the connect button at the bottom of this page, where you can receive your FREE values exercise to better support your boundary setting. As a thank you for connecting, you’ll also receive free resources, my top coaching tips, articles and special offers.
What are the benefits of having Boundaries?
When we have healthy boundaries that align with our values, we can navigate life that much easier. We know when to say “yes” to that favour asked of us, and when to politely decline. We know when to offer ourselves to someone and when to hold back. We know when people are respecting our boundaries and when they are being tested.
We know how to show up in the world being our authentic selves, and we know how to enforce our needs. When we hold healthy boundaries we are showing ourselves and those around us that we are in tune with our needs and protecting them. With these boundaries in place, we are free to live authentically with inner peace at our core. We are reducing the likelihood of us feeling used, taken advantage of or wronged in some way. They also give us the freedom to offer ourselves with the knowledge that by doing so we are in agreement with our values and are comfortable with the considered consequences.
How do your boundaries affect those around you?
The interesting thing about boundaries is they are more likely to be unquestioned and accepted by people who also have them. They tend to understand what having boundaries means, why they are important and are far more likely to accept your boundaries as a result. Almost like a mutual understanding.
For those who don’t have boundaries, or perhaps don’t understand what boundaries are, it can be a little unsettling to be at the receiving end of someone enforcing their boundary, however politely and compassionately it may be shown. It is not uncommon for people to react in a defensive manner, or to start questioning your reasons because of the emotional discomfort or confusion it may be causing them.
Remember … their reactions are their internal story not yours!
In these situations it is important to uphold your boundaries to protect your needs, and not let the reactions of others influence your choices. This doesn’t mean being defensive in return, responding in a confrontational manner or even justifying yourself. It simply means staying true to your needs. You may even find they become curious and admire your assertive attitude, noticing how clear you are with your response and communication. Better still, this may become an opportunity for you share your knowledge on boundaries, and you never know, it might just lead to them exploring their own!
How do your Boundaries shape how you show up in the world?
Find a quiet space and take a few minutes to consider:
How do you show up?
What do your boundaries look like?
What are the emotional consequences of your boundaries, or lack of?
How happy are you with your choices and interactions with others?
How do you protect your own needs when navigating life?
What would change for you if you held healthy boundaries?
If you would like to work on understanding your own boundaries and integrating these into your daily life, then I invite you to get in touch and book your Complimentary Call.
